Saturday, August 1, 2009

While the Kid's away.....

The parents play!

(or.....Kath and Dave's excellent adventure!)
Kath and Dave took a rare Saturday off today to create their very own 3-day weekend. Kath and Dave were very excited and had all sorts of plans to relax, rest, recuperate and get a few things done around the house.

Kath and Dave are a bit burned out from work and the recent heat wave. Kath had been near tears too many times in the past few weeks, and Dave was growing a little tired of the drama. OK, a LOT tired.
Saturday morning came early as Kath got up at 4:15 AM to say goodbye to son-who-is-going-camping. (ed note: Kath can be a pathetic idiot at times).
After son had left for the ferry, Kath decided to stay up and not miss A SINGLE MINUTE of her most excellent upcoming weekend. She checked her e-mail, sipped tea, made delicious apple muffins, and fresh coffee.

Eventually the sun rose, and Dave did too, after a much-needed sleep in. Kath and Dave looked at each other, faces bright and shiny with the promise of the day ahead. They sat at the table, eyes sparkling as they congratulated one another on daring to take a Saturday off in the middle of the busy season. "Some things are just more important than money!", they exclaimed in unison.
Little did they know that things would, eventually, go terribly, horribly wrong.
(mysterious and foreboding music plays faintly in the background).
After breakfast, Kath and Dave got busy with all manner of things both relaxing and productive.
Dave scooped the cat box, Kath loaded the dishwasher. Dave cleaned out a junk drawer, Kath
threw in a load of laundry. Dave puttered industriously, Kath puttered industriously. Things were going well.
At some point, Kath expressed a desire to go to the Organic (she calls it Orgasmic) Grocer to get some wholesome food and vitamins.
"Excellent idea, Kath!", chirped Dave.
"Not as excellent as all of your wonderful ideas!", replied Kath, a loving look on her face.
"You Rock, Kath!" sang Dave.
"Not as much as YOU Rock!" trilled Kath.

(Saccharine filled the air)

Kath and Dave got into their jolly little car and trundled off to the Orgasmic Grocer, pure and wholesome thoughts in mind. They bought a few vitamins and some wonderful ingredients to make their own high-fibre cereal. Not that they're at the age where they need fibre, or anything. They also got a free "Alive" magazine. Not that they're at the age where they like getting free stuff, whether they need it or not.

Here's a photo of some of the wonderfully wholesome things that Kath and Dave bought.

While standing in the check-out line, Kath had a great idea. "Sweetie-poo", she said, "I've heard that red wine can be good for one's blood pressure. What say we continue our quest for good health and wholesome activities by going to the liquor store and getting a nice, healthy, bottle?"

In an amazing coincidence, Kath and Dave BOTH have high blood pressure! Surely the fact that they are together 24 x 7, at home and at work, has nothing to do with it. But I digress.

"Excellent idea, Kath!", chirped Dave. "You ROCK!", he sang.
"Not as much as YOU Rock!", she trilled lovingly.

They hopped, again, into their jolly HOT little car, and drove across the street to the liquor store.
Little did they know that the activities of the next few moments would set in motion a downward spiral of greed, gluttony, malice, betrayal, and treachery!

(more of that music in the background. Now a bit louder)

Still innocent of the forces at work against them they entered the liquor store, where they were at once teased and caressed by the air conditioning.

"Oh, oh, oh!", they moaned, like Harry meeting Sally.

The other shoppers quickly backed away.

In their excited state, Kath and Dave picked up not only a delightful bottle of red wine, but a few other things. Obviously the air conditioning was too much for them.

Much of it was healthy - made from grapes, tomatoes, clams, mint, and....well.....distilled grain.
They emerged from the liquor store, delighted with their purchases, and flung them happily into the car.

"Say", said Dave, looking back toward the Orgasmic Grocer across the street. "Is that a BAKERY over there?"
"It sure is!", answered Kath, secretly delighting in her youthful husband's excellent eyesight.
"Hey, Sugar-Pea", said Dave. "What say we go over there and see if they have any wonderful pastries?

"Excellent idea, Dave! You ROCK!", said Kath
"Hurry up and get in the car, wench!, he said manfully.

Kath did as she was told. She loved it when he was forceful like that.

They drove back across the street toward the Orgasmic Grocer and walked into the bakery next door. "Just ONE wee pastry each?", they asked each other.
"Yes, just ONE EACH!", they agreed, and looked at the pastries.
The pastries looked back, and called to them, like sirens at sea, calling out, "Hey, Sailor!".
Time passed. 'Eternity in an hour', as Blake wrote.
Kath and Dave bought THREE pastries each. (They are now fluent in pastry patois)

The day was going so well that Kath and Dave decided to stop in at Safeway and buy an onion.
"Just an onion, fuzzy bear!" Kath called out lovingly as she stayed behind in the car to keep the windows rolled down for the sake of the pastries.
"Right ON, sugar cube!" sang Dave as he skipped gaily into the store......and had his second encounter that day, with AIR CONDITIONING.

It was an encounter that would change their lives.

Back at the car, Kath sang a little song to keep the pastries company.
"You make me feel like a natural WOMAN!", she brayed, to the mind-numbing horror of some innocent passers-by.
"Don't stare, dear", a mother admonished her child. "The poor devil was born that way, and can't help it."

Kath sang on, oblivious, her hips gyrating to the music as best they could while still seat-belted on to the hot, sticky seats. "Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang-Chung tonight!"
"Squeak, squeak, squeak!", complained the seat.
Kath noticed that she could make different musical notes with the seat, by rubbing her sweaty legs across it in varying speeds. Quickly she improvised, by ear (or leg?) Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" (just like at our wedding, she remembered mistily)
She soon moved on to more difficult pieces, like the theme to "Bonanza". By the time she mastered "Flight of the Bumblebee" the seat was SMOKIN'! (and a crowd had gathered)

So she returned to singing......a medley of humpback whale tunes, in the hopes that dear Dave would hear her calling.....

The crowd dispersed. Rapidly.

Meanwhile, inside the store, Dave had just finished choosing a delicious red onion, when the strains of Kath's dulcimer voice reached him. As she whooped out a chorus of Broadway show tunes and segued into the Wim-a-way song (In the jungle the mighty jungle.....) he was struck so full of love for that durned spunky little woman, that he made a few extra purchases.

After going through the check-out ("Someone's a lucky girl!", exclaimed the check-out woman) Dave hopped like a bunny out to the car.

He opened the door, and held out, with a flourish, some gifts for his dyn-o-mite lady.
Roses and lottery tickets!

"Here ya go, little prune whip", he chuckled manfully.
"Oooooh", she squealed, delight squirting from every pore.
"Ah jest loves a gamblin' man", she crooned.

Kath and Dave took their purchases home in their jolly little sweltering car.
"My armpits are glued shut", thought Kath, as she stared lustily at the lottery tickets.



Deborah said...

ROFLMAO You are hilarious. But, Kath, I am also disappointed.......that it ended where it did. I want more!!!

Christine said...

LOL, you crack me up Kathryn