Sunday, June 5, 2011

They're getting younger!

A customer has paid me a HUGE compliment.

"Kathryn", he says boozily (having just returned from lunch a little more flammable than when he left), "when that husband of yours leaves you for a younger woman....(dramatic pause), I will have you."

I am so completely stunned by this pronouncement I hardly know what to say.  My face, however, lets out a snort, which I quickly cover with my hand.  I love his use of 'when' instead of 'if'.  I love his earnestness.  I love his generosity.  Imagine taking someone else's leavings?  How kind!
I love his optimism. 
He is 15-20 years my senior, with pink face and white hair.  A little rotund. Also, he already has a wife.

I resist the urge to tell him I already have a father. 

The proposition before this one was even worse, if that is possible.  A few months ago a man in his 80's (I swear), followed me off the ferry.  He was wearing a fedora.  A fedora!  And a suit made in the 40s.
While standing at the curb waiting for my ride he leaned towards me.  Thinking he was going to ask for directions (to the nearest raisin ranch), I leaned toward him.
"Tell me", he says, in heavily garlicked, accented English, "Arra joo marreet?"
"Pardon me?", I say.
"Arra joo MARREET, wit HUSBAND?
(HUH?  Is he asking me if I'm married?)
"Um, yes!", I say.  "Why?"

"I lika da look of joo", he says.  "Iah see you no wear paint on joo face.  I lika dat."

OMG.  He was asking if I was married because he likes the look of me.  OMG.
He likes me because I don't paint my face. ACK!! ACK!!
I have the strong urge to put on a ton of makeup. Immediately. Permanently.

My reassuringly young and suddenly studly husband arrives to pick me up and I DIVE into the car.
"Hi honey!  Glad to see you too!", he says.
~~~
The propositioners are getting younger.  Who knows what the next few months will bring?

11 comments:

DJan said...

Oh, this is starting out to be a very interesting period ahead. Your telling of this makes me wonder why. Have you been singled out or should I worry about these creeps coming out of the woodwork like some kind of beetle? :-)

Jacqueline Korteland Boller said...

LOL, Kathryn!

Christine said...

LOL! Colin is waiting just around the corner for you Kathryn ;D

Deborah said...

MFB is sitting at his desk in the other room wondering what the hell I'm laughing at. Hilarious, my lovely, unpainted Kathryn, just hilarious.

Why do I not get propositioned?? Do I have to forsake mascara to get the kind of attention you do??

Deborah said...

PS I put this post on Facebook. Just had to.

Susan said...

LOL! Elderly gentlemen tend to sidle up to me as well, and now I know the reason.....no makeup! By golly, I will start painting my face each and every time I step foot outside my door!

Great post!

Jocelyn said...

My fervent hope for you is that the next proposition comes from a 70-year-old who needs a kidney and spots your healty, donatin' innards from across the grocery store parking lot. (*dreamy sigh*)

I'm so glad Deborah posted this link on FB...what a great laugh!

Kathryn said...

DJan,
The older gents like me, for some reason. Sadly, I fear it is because they think I'm not that hot and they might stand a chance!

Jacquie, I'm laughing through my tears....

Christine, Colin is exactly my age, which makes me waaaay too old for him. Wah!

Deb,
As I said to DJan, it must be because they think they have a chance of success with me. You, on the other hand are out of their league - they don't even bother.
And thanks for promoting me on FB - my humiliation will now go viral, I'm sure, heh heh.

Susan,
I think that if we go forth with the make-up of the town strumpet we may just get different results. Let's try it!

Jocelyn,
That's it! Trophy wife = trophy organs! Unpainted face = non-toxic system. Instead of my wedding ring, I should be wearing a blood-type bracelet. Adjustments will be made!

Holly said...

I seem to have a similar magnetism for little old Italian men ... DH thinks it's a riot ...
Thanks for visiting me over at hollyberryelf.blogspot.com.

Nancy said...

LOL! I loved this post. I keep telling my husband that young women are not attracted to older men for their looks! I cannot remember being thrilled with yellow teeth and bald heads when I was a young woman.

Annz said...

1. You already receive many more offers than I do.
2. Any offers I do receive are to join sport teams.
3. The rest are too scared of me to say anything.

Also...a fedora? Win! How could you go wrong.